Giving up is the easy option which I’ve always known. Is that why I always go down the same path? The answer is both yes and no. Yes it’s easy to give up but is also so draining continuing the same cycle that is just going to make you sicker and sicker until that choice is taken away from you.

I wish I could keep choosing recovery, keep fighting towards the life I should be living. I can do it, it’s just the lack of self belief and confidence that is holding me back. Trying to choose between full recovery and just staying stuck is so hard. It’s constantly having that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I’m too fat, that starving myself will solve all my problems. In reality nothing will ever be good enough for my eating disorder, there will always be a flaw to pick at, always something I need to change.

I’ve had enough, I can’t keep letting this control me. I have a choice one is life and the other is ultimately death. If I keep going the way I’m going I’ll have all choices taken away from me, I’ll be force fed, not allowed to walk, constant observations of every little thing I do… That is not a place I want to go back to.

I’ll admit I don’t fully see what I’m doing, I don’t believe the consequences but it’s the reality. Eating has gone downhill and exercise is becoming extreme but this time I have people around me. People who truly care and only want what’s best for me. I won’t be fixed overnight but baby steps is always enough. I forced myself to have some toast and I’m feeling extremely guilty but also proud that I’ve shown I can do it. Tonight something has changed within me, I worry far too much what people think of me but those people who judge aren’t true friends and aren’t meant to be in my life. However I realised I do have so many genuine people who love me and want to see me well. I never thought I’d have so many people that care but they do and I appreciate it more than words can say. I can’t promise to make all the right choices but I can promise to try. I just want to make the people who love and care for me proud.

I love every single person with all my heart that has been there for me, you know who you are. You’re showing me that I am worth it and deserve to be happy.

I am Stephanie and I am not my Eating Disorder. Anorexia does not and never will define me as a person.