Giving up is the easy option which I’ve always known. Is that why I always go down the same path? The answer is both yes and no. Yes it’s easy to give up but is also so draining continuing the same cycle that is just going to make you sicker and sicker until that choice is taken away from you.

I wish I could keep choosing recovery, keep fighting towards the life I should be living. I can do it, it’s just the lack of self belief and confidence that is holding me back. Trying to choose between full recovery and just staying stuck is so hard. It’s constantly having that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m not good enough, that I’m too fat, that starving myself will solve all my problems. In reality nothing will ever be good enough for my eating disorder, there will always be a flaw to pick at, always something I need to change.

I’ve had enough, I can’t keep letting this control me. I have a choice one is life and the other is ultimately death. If I keep going the way I’m going I’ll have all choices taken away from me, I’ll be force fed, not allowed to walk, constant observations of every little thing I do… That is not a place I want to go back to.

I’ll admit I don’t fully see what I’m doing, I don’t believe the consequences but it’s the reality. Eating has gone downhill and exercise is becoming extreme but this time I have people around me. People who truly care and only want what’s best for me. I won’t be fixed overnight but baby steps is always enough. I forced myself to have some toast and I’m feeling extremely guilty but also proud that I’ve shown I can do it. Tonight something has changed within me, I worry far too much what people think of me but those people who judge aren’t true friends and aren’t meant to be in my life. However I realised I do have so many genuine people who love me and want to see me well. I never thought I’d have so many people that care but they do and I appreciate it more than words can say. I can’t promise to make all the right choices but I can promise to try. I just want to make the people who love and care for me proud.

I love every single person with all my heart that has been there for me, you know who you are. You’re showing me that I am worth it and deserve to be happy.

I am Stephanie and I am not my Eating Disorder. Anorexia does not and never will define me as a person.

Dear Anorexia,

I am writing this letter to address your destructive existince in my life. You took so many opportunities away from me and now is the time I need to break free.

I would see you as a comfort and something I would turn to whenever I felt scared, alone or bad about myself. You made me feel safe and that things would be okay if I did the things you told me to do.

To be completely honest, I am absolutely terrified of life without you and parts of me doesn’t want to let you go, you made me feel like I was special and that I could achieve things, but those things damaged me. You convinced me that the lower the number went on the scale, my life would be better, I would feel happier and people would like me. You told me I was strong and I didn’t need anyone else but you. Sometimes I look back and remember how proud you were when I did that excessive exercise or lowered my calorie intake each day. Whenever I did this or managed to starve myself for days. It made you proud and that made me feel good about myself. Even when your kindness and praising turned to cruelty, I still find it so difficult to want to leave you. You are like a magnet that I am constantly stuck to and I can’t pull myself away even when people are trying to save me. This bond isn’t something I feel in control of anymore. You bully me into thinking I don’t need anybody else but you, you make me believe that I can’t live without you. Now I don’t have the ability to see myself as anything of any worth as a healthy person.

You said you would make me feel better, make me feel powerful, but all I feel is broken. The amount of times I denied myself food in the hope that you would comfort me. I’ve lost so much time trying to be ‘perfect’ and waiting for you to tell me it will be okay, or being scared if it wasn’t enough which makes you angry.

So this letter is to my enemy. I am fed up and tired; tired of being trapped in your clutches. I don’t want to feel like a puppet dangling and manipulated by the strings of your cruel power. I don’t want to be incapable of viewing myself other than a ball for you to cradle in the palm of your hand. You distorted everything around me, replaced all my possibilities of happiness with illusions of light that actually just turned out to be shadows and darkness. I now have lost the capability of recognising who I truly am. My vision has now been masked by your evil fog that I struggle to see through, making every day dark and grey.

I don’t understand how you got so powerful. How you managed to convince me that I can survive without food, that I will never be ‘thin’ enough or ‘pretty’ enough unless I obeyed everything you said? Why do I not deserve to be healthy and fuel my body and mind with the nutrients and nourishment it needs to survive? Every other human does so why can’t I?

I trusted you, I believed you that this would make me happy but instead it made me miserable, I was your slave, I exercised for hours till sometimes I collapsed, I restricted my calorie intake, I made myself sick, I abused diet pills and laxatives just for you. This just made me really I’ll and caused my behavior and thoughts to be so out of control.

At times I enjoyed being in control and losing weight but you took over and I lost the control. I had a sense of enjoyment from freedom and feeling proud but that wasn’t the healthy me.

Enough is enough, I can’t let you take more control away from me. It’s too time consuming and every you introduced a new rule or ritual. It’s emotionally draining and you have to leave. I can’t cope with you occupying my mind every minute of every day. I can’t keep counting calories, exercising and then punishing myself when things didn’t go your way.

You took “Stephanie” and replaced her with someone unrecognizable.

How dare you take this part of my life away, how dare you destroy everything and make me feel like I’m not good enough.

I’m now going to destroy you, make you feel the way you made me feel. I’m going to nourish myself and I don’t have to feel guilty for it. I don’t have to get rid of every calorie with exercising or purging.

I want you to know that you are an evil parasite and you are NOT my friend. Friends are caring and kind, you’re damaging and cruel. I don’t need you anymore. I will fight; fight with every bit of energy I have to escape from your evil clutches.

I deserve happiness and I deserve to have a life that I control. I deserve to be healthy and I deserve to recover.

You made me unwell but you aren’t going to keep me this way. I will win this fight.

Goodbye Anorexia.

From the girl who wants her life back and deserves a bright future.

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

Why do this?

• Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
• Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.

The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.

To help you get started, here are a few questions:

• Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
• What topics do you think you’ll write about?
• Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
• If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?

You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.

Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.

When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.